


Refresh [Let's Fall In Love Again]

by theweakestthing



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-12 14:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 6,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5669209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweakestthing/pseuds/theweakestthing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You feel like a memory, something that was once lost to me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hide would know that face anywhere, would know that smile anywhere, could pick out that laugh in a crowd, couldn’t deny it when he felt that feeling shiver through his chest, couldn’t deny it when he felt the press of the wide smile upon his face.

This was the person that he’d been dreaming about since he’d been able to remember his dreams, his books clattered to the floor and scattered around his feet. And suddenly those dreams weren’t dreams, they were memories.

“Oh oh, you’ve dropped your books,” the librarian said, sounding very concerned about the state of the books, as they came around the counter to help Hide out. 

“They’re not my books,” was all Hide could dumbly say, his brain just hadn’t caught up with him and he couldn’t stop staring at the other. Shock of white hair starkly contrasted with jet black roots, gentle features but those eyes were so sharp in a way that didn’t add up with the rest of it. 

“No they’re not,” the librarian laughed lightly in a way that Hide thought was just for show, just a polite gesture. 

Snapping back to reality, Hide suddenly knelt down to help the other. And then they were awfully close, face to face and barely inches apart. 

“Sorry about that,” Hide smiled, like always, but it’d felt tight because his heart was beating in such a way that he wasn’t sure that he could do anything but let it beat. 

“It’s okay,” the man smiled back and it felt kind of like time stopped and went too fast all at once.

Hide felt like the world was leaving him behind, giving him no room to figure out what was going on inside him. It was odd honestly, so horrifyingly odd he thought to himself as he stood up at the same time as the other. He’d seen this person live a life of constant varying levels of pain, he’d loved this person more than he’d loved anything and he’d let them eat him alive or least he’d seen it all in his dreams. 

“Uh, how long until I have to bring these back?” Hide asked, passing his card to the librarian as the other went back around the counter. 

“Well, some of them, the big hardback ones, they have to come back in a week. And the other’s have to come back at the end of the month, I guess I’ll see you in a week then,” the librarian said and Hide spared a glance to the other’s name tag, Sasaki. It was just a family name but it was something that he could dig his fingers into, grip onto for his life. 

“Yeah, I will,” Hide smiled, he smiled his winning smile before he left. 

He’d see the other in the waking world again and not just that night, in his dreams.


	2. Chapter 2

For possibly the first time in his life, Hide witnessed and was part of a queue in a library. It was just that the person two in front of him had been chatting to Sasaki for a good five minutes or so and wasn’t letting the other get back to work, Hide chewed on the inside of his mouth as irritation grew inside him. 

He’d detached himself from the weird sense of entitlement he’d had at the sight of the other as he’d walked away from the library the last time, but that didn’t stop the envy from swirling in his stomach, didn’t stop him from thinking that Sasaki wouldn’t be making that face if the other were talking to him. 

“Of course, I look forward to hearing the rest of the story,” Sasaki said, smiling tightly. 

And there it was, it struck Hide so hard that he hardly noticed the queue growing shorter, there was that tell he’d noticed when no one else had bothered to look. Sasaki had spoken those words with his fingers wrapped around his chin, Hide heart did that swelling thing again. 

“Oh, it’s you,” Sasaki said as Hide approached, large books pressed to his chest. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hide asked, laughing awkwardly, he was honestly surprised that the other had even remembered him. 

“Well, I just thought that you would miss the deadline,” Sasaki said, shrugging as he took the books from Hide. 

“Hey, I may look like a slacker but appearances can be deceiving,” Hide said with faux authority.

“You were just worried about fine weren’t you?” Sasaki asked, smiling gently.

“Yeah,” Hide laughed, “I’m a pretty broke university student so things like that worry me,” he said, needlessly but he just wanted to keep talking to the other for as long as possible. 

“Then I guess you wouldn’t have enough money to take me for coffee?” Sasaki said, idly scanning the books through the system. 

“Well, I don’t really like coffee, I’m more of a milkshake person and did you just ask me out?” Hide said, brows furrowed as realisation hit him mid-sentence. 

“No, I was hinting that you should ask me out,” Sasaki said, turning over Hide’s library card in his dexterous fingers, “Hide.”

“Oh,” Hide said, dumbstruck.

“Smooth,” Sasaki said sarcastically, holding out the library card for Hide, “I finish in ten,” he said, winking at Hide as the other took the library card back. 

Hide honestly had no idea what to do with himself, so he went and stood by the entrance, waiting for Sasaki to finish.


	3. Chapter 3

“Don’t worry, they do milkshake at this place as well as coffee,” Sasaki said as they walked side by side and Hide felt at a constant loss for words. He’d remembered it being the other way, he’d remembered it being him teasing the other and hardly ever the other way around. 

“Oh, is that so,” Hide wanted to peel the skin from his face, at least then no one would notice how embarrassed he was.

“It is,” Sasaki said, smirking.

“I’m not usually so bad at this,” Hide said, hoping to redeem himself even if just a little. 

“So, I just affect you this much?” Sasaki replied, smiling all the while. 

“Ugh, why are you like this?” Hide yelled throw caution to the wind and his arms up in the air. “Why have you forsaken me?!” He scornfully growled at the sky and Sasaki fell apart with laughter. 

The other man literally crouched down, gripped the fabric over Hide’s legs. 

“Ah, you’re really too much Hide-san,” Sasaki forced the words out as tears brimmed in his eyes.

“At least I made you smile,” Hide said smiling down at the other. 

“You did,” Sasaki said, taking Hide by the wrist as he stood and continued down the street, “it’s nice to meet someone that can see the positive side of things.”

“Or maybe I’m just so dumb that I can’t fully understand negative situations,” Hide returned and this was more like it, at first you had to make them laugh before you got comfortable in the formerly awkward conversation.

“If you were, you would have never have said that,” Sasaki said, words as soft as his eyes but there was such a keen sharpness lying only just beneath it all, that was more like the boy in his dreams, the man from his memories that held more depth than anyone had cared to explore. Well, anyone except Hide himself and he was more than willing to do that again.


	4. Chapter 4

The coffee shop didn’t have the stench of coffee burnt into it like so many others did, it had it’s own unique scent the blended with the wood of the place. Hide found himself sighing as they entered, sinking into the atmosphere of the coffee shop and hoping to the sliding off the embarrassment like an unneeded coat. 

“The air in here is really nice and the service is very good too, I’m yet to find someone that dislikes it,” Sasaki smiled, leading the way to a corner table and Hide supposed it was the other’s usual spot. 

“So how many people have you brought here?” Hide asked, trying for teasing and hoping that it reached his voice. 

“Not that many, you don’t need worry about competition Hide-san,” Sasaki said, that dry intellect shot straight through Hide like a lightning bolt, felt the static stick to his skin in the after math. 

“I’m not the kind that worries about things like that,” Hide said, he really wasn’t and Sasaki didn’t seem the type that would even entertain that kind of behaviour. 

“I’m just teasing you,” Sasaki said gently. 

“I honestly thought I was better at handling this sort of thing than this,” Hide said as a kind of apology. 

“I kind of hope that you won’t grow used to it,” Sasaki said, smiling kind of cheekily, “it’s nice to know that there’s someone who is this taken by me.”

“Then I’m in a bad spot, you don’t seem to be very affected by me,” Hide said, tapping his nails against the tabletop. 

“Oh, it really is the opposite,” Sasaki said, tone devoid of all jest and that shook Hide again but in a totally different way.


	5. Chapter 5

The date, well date like sort of thing, went okay, it wasn’t long because Hide really did have to go home and write a report no matter how much he didn’t want to. At least they got to exchange numbers, at least he could message the other whenever he felt like it. 

After finishing his paper, after dinner and after a shower, late at night the only light in the room came from his phone. Lying in bed and holding it above his face, the messenger was open with Sasaki’s name and he’d been hesitating all night. Was it too soon? Was too late in the day? Was he just a total idiot turned completely dumb by his striking crush on the other, he just couldn’t get over those dreams. 

Sasaki was still there as Kaneki, black haired boy tortured by the world and his inability to deal with it all, Hide would have said that he was there for the other until all the oxygen was gone from the world if it would have helped at all. Sasaki was a lot like Kaneki but different too, maybe it was the fact that they hadn’t grown up together this time. Sasaki had a kind of confidence and charm that Kaneki had never really been comfortable with displaying, Kaneki had it but just rarely showed it. 

“Ah, I don’t know how to deal with you,” Hide grumbled at his phone and moments later it vibrated in his hand, the shock of it made him drop it, smacking him in the face and he was extremely grateful that no one was around to see it. 

Actually looking at the phone, Hide realised that it was ringing and fumbled to answer.

“H-hello?” Hide said.

“Why are you out of breath?” Sasaki replied and Hide was hoping to get past the part where he constantly embarrassed himself, but the universe was never so kind.

“Eh, you’d just laugh at me if I told you,” Hide said, hoping to evade the question.

“Don’t you want to hear my laugh?” Sasaki said, voice soft and gentle like clouds, it was kind of manipulative in a way that made Hide’s heart completely stop.

“I dropped my phone on my face when you rang,” Hide said, voice flat as he spoke. And Sasaki did laugh, that noise again, right against his ear this time, Hide could barely stand the sound of it. “I want to see you again,” he said as blunt as he remembered Kaneki being sometimes. 

“You will.”


	6. Chapter 6

His dreams always ended in so much pain, the pain from his arm and the pain of watching what had happened to the person he cared most about in the whole world. He’d have done absolutely anything for Kaneki, everything and anything, there weren’t heights he wouldn’t reach and depths he wouldn’t sink to. 

Hide always woke with a start, heart pounding, hammering away at his ribs. Palms sweaty as he held himself up on the mattress, the present slowly dawned upon him. He always felt completely weird in the morning, as though he was between worlds, it was horrid to say the least. 

The noise from his phone startled him, but he managed to reach for the phone in time to answer the call. 

“Hello?” Hide asked, flat and disjointed, he still wasn’t really a complete part of this world.

“Ah, did I wake you?” Sasaki asked, voice as soft and thick as cream, it was gentle on Hide’s ears.

“Uh, no I just, I just had a bad dream is all,” Hide said, trying to sew himself to this world with the melody of the other’s voice.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sasaki asked, like it wasn’t a big deal even though they both knew it was.

“Not really,” Hide replied, they’d talked about Hide’s dreams a little and every time it came up he refused to talk about. Honestly how could he talk about, it would sound dumb as hell and he wasn’t in the mood to be laughed at skeptically. 

“Let’s meet, today, if you’re free I mean,” Sasaki said, as though he’d said nothing prior. 

“I’d like that,” Hide said, it felt like everything had been shifted on its head, like the world had been inverted and they’d switched places. It didn’t matter much though, just being around the other made everything so much better.


	7. Chapter 7

Standing awkwardly at the entrance to the train station, fists balled in his pockets. He’ d thought that Sasaki would be the kind that was never late, but then again he was early and things happened that you couldn’t predict all the time.

“Have you been waiting long?” Sasaki asked as he approached Hide, he looked a little sheepish and ducked his head.

“Not really,” Hide said, smiling weakly before he dropped the facade and sighed, “I’ve just been feeling pretty anxious recently,” he said honestly. 

“Well then, I’ll take you somewhere that will calm the nerves,” Sasaki said, looping his arm around Hide’s and pulling the other away. 

They end up down by the river, hot drinks in hand, Hide decided that he needed something to perk him up. Sitting on the bank, he watched the sun dance upon the water’s surface.

“I just feel on edge recently I guess,” Hide said, breaking the silence that had fallen upon them since they left the coffee stand.

“Do you know why?” Sasaki asked, also looking out at the water.

It was easier to talk like this, far less confrontational than if they were actually looking at each other. 

“Yeah and it’s dumb so don’t worry too much about me,” Hide said, smiling again but he just couldn’t recapture the soul of the care-free boy he’d once been.

“I will, so don’t say thoughtless things like that,” Sasaki said, tone flat and serious, expression almost hurt and the sight stole Hide’s breath.

All Hide could do was nod.


	8. Chapter 8

It wasn’t easy being the one that had to be held up, being the one relying on someone else. Not that he didn’t rely on Kaneki, it was just that he’d been the one smiling reassuringly and not the other way around. It was making his head spin, honestly those were the exact words he would have. 

What had he become, he wasn’t really sure that he knew the person he was. Those dreams had seriously messed him up and he needed to pull himself together and realise that they were dreams, there was absolutely no way that any of it had ever happened. Well that was what he told himself to psyche himself up enough to be able to speak even a word of to Sasaki. 

And when the first word fell the second followed with the third biting at its heels, it wasn’t long before he’d spilled guts in the grass between them. Left Hide breathless in the dying light of the late afternoon. 

“Hide,” Sasaki sighed, “you don’t have to worry, you’ve never failed anyone,” he smiled that easy warm smile and Hide felt it like Sasaki was wrapping his fingers around his heart. 

“Apart from myself,” Hide said, finally allowing himself to be at least a little bitter.

“That’s what you’re doing by wallowing in this, stay with me and don’t allow it to consume you,” Sasaki said, tone turned serious, his mood could turn on a dime and he used it to show Hide how he really felt. 

There was no hiding between them now.


	9. Chapter 9

Blinking up at the ceiling, eyes tracing the faint cracks along it. Hide’s hand was wrapped around his phone, he didn’t want to stare at it, but he couldn’t deny that he was waiting for Sasaki’s reply. He scrunched his eyes closed, maybe he could fall asleep and be woken up by the phone’s vibrations. 

_Are you awake?_

Just a simple and innocuous question, but Hide’s heart hammered away. He was nervous, he knew there was nothing really to be nervous about at all. A cold and hard shock jolted through his nervous system, all that happened was that his phone vibrated. 

_Book worms never sleep.S._

Hide smiled at something so silly, he wanted to be able to be so lighthearted. 

_Everything sleeps eventually._

He wrote back, unwilling to express the unreasonable anxiety shaking his heart.

_I think you mean that that everything dies eventually. S._

Hide blinked slowly at his phone screen, just going on gut reaction instead of thinking too deeply about anything, he really didn’t feel like looking at anything too closely. 

_If you don’t sleep for long enough you’ll die so they’re really one and the same._

He felt completely drained by life, everything besides Sasaki didn’t really matter to him at all. He didn’t have a family, didn’t really have friends just a fair amount of acquaintances and he wasn’t all that interested in his college major.

_Ah, you’re such a buzz kill. S._

Hide couldn’t help but agree, he needed to pull himself out of this hole and soon. 

_Sorry._

He pressed his phone to his forehead and sighed, what was he doing? He didn’t want to push Sasaki away, he wanted to endear the other to him, wanted to bring the other closer, but honestly he wasn’t sure how. 

_Where do you live? S._

Hide blinked rapidly for a moment before answering, sending his address and then a comment. 

_Why?_

Sasaki’s reply was almost instantaneous.

_I’m going to beat you a smile onto your face, look forward to it. i’ll be there soon, x. S._


	10. Chapter 10

Hide rubbed his eyes padding through his tiny apartment, kettle boiling in the background as he neared the door. A quiet and refined knocking that was really telling of Sasaki, as always the other took great care with all of his motions.

Sasaki’s comfortable lounge clothes were more refined than Hide’s, in general Sasaki was more refined than Hide. 

“Hey,” Hide murmured, smiling weak and lazily. 

“You make my eyes sore,” Sasaki said, kicking his shoes off, “are you making coffee?” He asked, brows furrowed as he heard the kettle boil over. 

“Uh, I was until you knocked, it’s well not done yet obviously,” Hide said awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck. 

“Are you blushing?” Sasaki asked, bending and twisting as he tried to get a glimpse of the other’s face. 

“I’ll go finish that coffee,” Hide said suddenly, turning away from the other, “it’s going to be instant and probably nowhere near your standards,” he called over his shoulder walking to his kitchenette. 

“I’ll drink whatever you make,” Sasaki said, not far behind Hide, “I’m sure it’s made with love,” he smiled, head tilted gently. 

“You’re awful,” Hide muttered, pouring the water into the mugs.

“What do you really mean by that?” Sasaki asked, leaning against the counter top, smiling a sharper smile than before. 

“I mean it feels like I’m being seduced by some kind of evil,” Hide said, easily settling into the odd conversation, he was more at ease in places where others would find discomfort.

“You’re Eve and I’m the snake?” Sasaki said, brow arched pointedly at Hide. 

“Wouldn’t that make you the devil?” Hide returned, handing the other a mug of coffee. 

“Wouldn’t that mean that you’re forsaking your humanity for knowledge?” Sasaki rallied, self satisfied smile and all.

“I’d do that anyway,” Hide stated simply, bringing his own mug to his lips just to blow on it. 

“There’s more value in humanity than raw knowledge,” Sasaki said as though he really knew and at that Hide almost scolded himself.


	11. Chapter 11

Hide switched on the stereo, unwilling to speak of things like the value of humanity any longer. He put on something smooth and quiet, something he could easily fall asleep to. Sitting on the couch with his coffee in hand, Hide leaned his head back against the couch. Eyes closed, he held his mug close to his chest and let the heat seep into his skin. 

“You look oddly world weary,” Sasaki said, coming to sit besides the other, sipping delicately at his coffee. “This really isn’t that bad, you must have found a decent brand,” he said, examining the liquid with his eyes. 

“I am life weary and thanks I guess,” Hide muttered, he let the music fill his head in the moments that Sasaki wasn’t speaking, taking occasional sips from his coffee. 

“Can I kiss you?” Sasaki murmured, closer to Hide than the other remembered. 

“Uh, yes,” Hide said, opening his eyes and sliding them toward Sasaki, “have you just been watching me the whole time?” he asked, one brow arched pointedly. 

“What else was there to do?” Sasaki smiled, setting his mug on the floor and scooting further along to couch. 

Hide said nothing further, just allowed the other to inch closer to him, leaning slightly toward Sasaki. Their sides pressing together, Sasaki’s hand moved atop his knee, his pulse began to pick up. 

It wasn’t like he’d wanted it to be, not how he’d tried to make it with Kaneki, it was just flesh and warmth flooding his mouth. He felt like gravity was a force with hands pushing down hard upon him, his mug clattered to the floor when Sasaki’s hands slid up his face. And he just had to touch the other, needy arms going around Sasaki’s frame. Sighing heavily against the other’s wet lips, he shuddered as Sasaki’s breath swept over his face.


	12. Chapter 12

For once Hide didn’t wake up in a cold sweat with his heart racing, this time he woke to the sun pressing gently against his skin. There was something heavy laid upon his right arm, turning his head he found Sasaki there. Partially white strands slid into the other’s closed eyes, Hide watched silently as he gently ran his thumb over the space between Sasaki’s shoulder blades. 

He couldn’t remember his dream, couldn’t profoundly feel the pain in his heart. What he could feel was the other’s breath soft sweeping over Hide’s skin, running up his shoulder and down his chest. 

The smile sneaked along his lips, he wasn’t quite aware of it until it was forcing his muscles to ache. His heart was fluttering and he felt lighter than air, as though he was about to lift off of his bed and float away. 

“G-morning sunshine,” Sasaki murmured, blinking sleepily and smiling up at Hide.

“Mornin’” Hide replied, fingers sliding up against Sasaki’s nape, through the other’s short strands. 

“But is it good though?” Sasaki asked, laughter dancing on the tip of his tongue. 

“Yeah, very good,” Hide replied, nodding before he leaned down to leave a chaste kiss to the other’s forehead.


	13. Chapter 13

“Let me kiss you again,” Sasaki murmured, eyes sleepy from a long day’s work, those glasses only magnified the issue. 

“You don’t always have to ask for permission, you know,” Hide smiled softly, taking Sasaki’s hand. 

“I’d rather be polite,” Sasaki shrugged, thumb rubbing the back of Hide’s hand. They kissed, it was brief and chaste, just a simple grazing of lips but it was more than enough to bring energy back to them. “So, did you see me in your dreams last night?” Sasaki smirked, bumping shoulders. 

“I’ve always seen you in my dreams,” Hide replied, it was still a sore subject, but he was a little more open with Sasaki. It was easy since the other was so gentle with him. 

“That’s either romantic or creepy,” Sasaki said, still smiling. 

“I’m pretty sure that I’ve been both,” Hide said, in that care free way he had been able to pull off for years. 

“I find you to be more romantic than creepy,” Sasaki said, head tilted as he thought.

“So you do think I’m creepy,” Hide said, smiling smugly. 

“Oh, you’re pure evil Hide-kun,” Sasaki whined, laughing despite his tone. 

And Hide would have done anything to keep hearing that sound, it brightened up his life and brought colour to where there’d never been any before.


	14. Chapter 14

“Cappuccino, coffee for the weak,” Sasaki smirked, dropping down besides Hide in their new rendezvous site, a coffee shop that was always delightfully warm and had a kind of hazy atmosphere. 

“I’m sorry that my insides aren’t as hard as yours from drinking that black slug,” Hide returned bitterly, sipping at what was mostly foam. “You should be thankful that I’ve branched out this far,” he said, arching brow at the other. 

“I suppose,” Sasaki shrugged, almost downing the espresso and the sight alone made Hide feel queasy. “Are you suggesting that I start listening to electro?” He asked, tilting his head slightly as he spoke. 

“It’s called chillstep and no,” Hide groaned at himself, grabbing the mug to hide behind his embarrassment behind it. Sasaki simply laughed, giggles bubbling out of him. “We don’t really have much in common at all, do we?” Hide smiled, a crooked thing that he didn’t much like holding up. 

“We like each other, I think that’s about enough,” Sasaki smiled, that gentle and patient smile. 

“I guess, but I mean we might end up running out of things to talk about,” Hide said, fingers suddenly tacky against the ceramic. 

“Can we talk about your dreams Hide?” Sasaki asked, hand covering Hide’s, eyes soft as they caught Hide’s. 

“I don’t have them with you,” Hide stated, clearly uncomfortable. It felt more like a horror he’d shrugged off and not something that needed to be brought up ever again. 

“That doesn’t mean they don’t exist, what about when you’re not with me?” Sasaki asked, sounding more concerned now. 

It appeared that they were both well versed in hiding their emotions, pretending like there was nothing wrong so that they wouldn’t be a bother to anyone. 

“Alright, but not here, please,” Hide said, quietly staring right back at Sasaki, turning his hand over beneath the other’s. 

“Sure,” Sasaki smiled, looking quite relieved while Hide’s heart jack hammered against his ribs.


	15. Chapter 15

It only dawns on Hide when he’s on the inside that this is the first time he’s been inside Sasaki’s apartment, the place is clean and smells faintly of wood polish and old books. It was like walking into the way that Sasaki made him feel.

He pulled off the head phones from around his neck and set them on the end table next to the couch, rubbing neck, free from that weight. Dropping himself onto the couch like dead weight, he dragged his hands down his face preparing himself for the words that were going to spill out of his mouth. 

“I’m not gonna ask if you’d like a coffee or anything,” Sasaki said, pulling out a cushion from under the coffee table, wanting to be a comfortable distance from Hide so that his presence wouldn’t suffocate the other and their thoughts. 

“So, I have dreams sometimes that feel like part of another life I lived,” Hide started, having had these words spread out weeks before having actually said them. 

“That sounds like it’d be difficult to tell between the dream life and reality,” Sasaki said, thoughtful and kind with his words. 

“It’s not quite like that, it’s more like flashbacks, each night I get to relive my death,” Hide said, clarifying. 

“I imagine that would be traumatic,” Sasaki stated. 

“It is, but that’s not the worst of it,” Hide said, sighing heavily, breath gushing out of him. 

“What is the worst of it?” Sasaki asked, as blunt and straight to the point as he wished Kaneki had felt comfortable being with him. 

“Falling in love and watching them fall apart, knowing that if they had the ability to reach out for me then everything would have been different,” Hide mumbled, hands over his face, protecting himself from the world.

“That’s just the way things are sometimes,” Sasaki said, said it like he knew it, “you have to let other people make their own decisions, either people save themselves or they let you save them,” he said, entwining his fingers on the tabletop. “Hide,” he said, voice commanding and pulling down the other’s hands, eyes wide and expression shaken, “you have to let this go.”

“That’s easier said than done,” Hide replied, self defeating. 

“I’ve learnt that nothing really worth doing is easy Hide-kun,” Sasaki said, frowning at the other as he spoke, “this is the first time you’ve been inside me apartment, I’ve been struggling sharing myself with you, but I think we’d both benefit from sharing ourselves more,” he said, voice full of conviction but more open and honest than either of them had been with each other yet. 

“You’re probably right,” Hide said, rubbing his temple with the heel of his palm. “At least I won’t be on the rough road alone,” he smirked a little, feeling only slightly more at ease.


	16. Chapter 16

Hide really did try to relax, to stop worrying about the boy that was so haunted in his dreams. It worked right up until the nightmares returned and he woke up tortured again. 

It was easy to press on from the present into the future when the past wasn’t clawing at your heels. 

“Hush,” Sasaki murmured, fingers delicate against Hide’s temples. “Focus on your current boyfriend and not the unrequited love of your dreams,” he said softly, sitting cross legged with the other’s head in his lap, “it’s a little hard to fight something that never was,” Sasaki smiled. 

Hide snickered a little, sinking into the other’s touch, just being around Sasaki calmed his nerves. The other’s presence made the past bleed away, heat seeping into him, warmth expanding outward. 

“I’m sorry,” Hide smiled, rubbing his hand up Sasaki’s forearm. 

“You should smile like that more often,” Sasaki muttered, “you never know, I might fall in love with you,” he said conspiratorially as he leaned over Hide, curling around the other’s head. 

“I’ll consider it,” Hide smirked, it was easy to let go of the past when the present was so much more appealing.


	17. Chapter 17

Sasaki’s floor was a deep brown, almost a red, Hide pressed his face against it to cool the flush that was spread across it. He was overheated and the way the other was littering him with sweet nothings as well as kisses was doing him no good, hands gentle against his skin. It was too much sincerity and tenderness upon his body, he was melting and making a mess on Sasaki’s floor. 

“I yield,” Hide said, smiling like his mouth would split his head apart. 

“What happened to ‘never surrender’?” Sasaki asked, smirking up from the other’s stomach. 

“Your skills are too much for me,” Hide returned, fingers sliding into Sasaki’s gentle hair. 

“Flattery, despite what many have said, will get somewhere with me,” Sasaki smiled, crawling up Hide’s body. Dipping down to press his lips flush against Hide’s, sinking down against the other.

There was no darkness there, especially not in Sasaki’s apartment, it was so bright and so warm that Hide felt full of light.


	18. Chapter 18

There was nothing like falling in love that could force the shadows off of your back, Hide felt them slinking away. Fingers pulled back off his shoulders as the world around him felt far more stable, even as the air rushed around him. 

Hide stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling, blinking slowly as he watched the sunlight streak across Sasaki’s exposed back. The other was wrapped around him, gently against him and warm like a blanket. Soft hair upon his chest, Hide carded his fingers through it, lazily indulging in the other. Sasaki wasn’t always soft and reassuring, Hide could tell that there was an underlying sharpness that would cut right through him if he ever dared to cross the other. 

People warmed to Sasaki quickly, the atmosphere around him was so nice to be in that people just couldn’t help but to smile in his presence. Hide wasn’t immune to this either, he’d been pulled into the other’s orbit and wasn’t sure that he’d ever be able to break free. And that was odd in itself, the way that he felt like Sasaki was a star that he revolved around. 

He’d been a sun for Kaneki, shone so bright and smiled so wide just for the other. For Kaneki and Kaneki alone, that was a large difference between him and Sasaki, since Sasaki actually had a social circle. A social circle that Hide was yet to be introduced to, which he was quite thankful for really. 

He chewed on the inside of his cheek, staring down at Sasaki’s peaceful face finding that it was just as peaceful as the other’s waking face. He gave a small smile at that thought, coming to a small and slow epiphany. He’d never really been like Sasaki, had never truly embodied the sunlight like the other did. It’d just been something he’d done for Kaneki, he’d have done and had done anything for the other, he felt lost without him even though he wasn’t sure if he’d ever had Kaneki. 

Did it really matter now? He wasn’t sure, but it was nice to be fully in the present, sharing himself with someone who found that kind of thing easy was refreshing, like watching flowers bloom and breathing in the fragrant air around them. He wouldn’t turn back when what was facing him was so obviously good for him, he thought smiling fully into Sasaki’s two tone hair.


	19. Chapter 19

“How did you get so comfortable with yourself?” Hide said absentmindedly, unaware of exactly what he’d said until it was out there. He sat there, blinking at Sasaki’s calm face.

“It’s not something that happens over night, it takes a long time of being settled,” Sasaki murmured, searching for the right words, “I don’t know Hide-kun, it took a long time and I didn’t just suddenly realise one day that I was at peace with myself, I’m not always, it’s a delicate balance that you have to work for,” he continued sounding a little strained. 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Hide smiled, speaking around mouth fulls of food, “I just got so wound up in my head that the words just came out.”

“Ah, at least you’re smiling a lot these days,” Sasaki said, smiling back. 

“Well, you have a good affect on me,” Hide said, smiling still, fingers curling around his chop sticks. 

“I think you have a good one on me too, despite all that sulking you did,” Sasaki poked in good nature, popping a small bite of food into his mouth. 

“Heh, you’re hilarious Sasaki-san,” Hide smirked, shaking his head as he continued to eat. 

Hide was glad to be over those nightmares, that past, that haunted him, but there was still the doubt that had him second guessing himself. There was that underline nervous thing that had him worried that there was something just around the corner that would bring this whole thing down. Pieces of it crashing around him, it was stupid but he couldn’t help himself. He was afraid of losing more people that he cared about and it was ruining his focus on reality, on the person in front of him. 

“I’ve still got so far to go,” Hide said thoughtfully after a moment.

“We’ll go there together,” Sasaki said and for once Hide believed him.


	20. Chapter 20

Hide was laid upside down along the couch, legs curled over the back, head near the floor with his handheld console in his hands. Fingers tapping at the buttons as they clacked loudly, blood rushing to his head. 

Times like this really reminded him of Kaneki, if he was remembering correctly he’d be sat like this and the other would be sat somewhere else across the room reading silently. 

It was a kind of equilibrium, a sanctuary where the pair of them came to get away from the world. And Hide reveled in the way that the boy who couldn’t seem to stand most people, he took pride in the fact that Kaneki had allowed him to get so close. 

It wasn’t quite like that with Sasaki, the other always sat beside him no matter how anti-socially he was sitting. Sasaki always involved him in everything the other was doing, it was sort of overwhelming to have someone treat him to gently. 

“It’s a sunflower,” Sasaki said, watching as Hide turning the press over in his hands. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Hide murmured, heart quivering. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” Sasaki smiled softly. 

“It’s massive,” Hide muttered and Sasaki laughed, they laughed lightly together and Hide hadn’t felt so light in such a very long time.


	21. Chapter 21

“Sometimes I get the feeling that you see me as something you lost once,” Sasaki murmured, leafing idly through a book, cheek rested against the heel of his palm. 

Hide swallowed his toast far too quickly, it wasn’t exactly like Sasaki was wrong but the other wasn’t exactly right either. Sure Sasaki still reminded him of Kaneki, of the boy hadn’t seen for months, but there were so many difference. Maybe they were the same person at some point, but the paths their lives had taken split and they grew into two different people. 

That wasn’t it though, that was just what he knew Sasaki was thinking. 

Really Hide just felt as though he’d found himself, he felt more like himself the longer he was with the other. He was reclaiming himself, he was living in reality instead dwelling in his dreams. 

“I lost myself Sas-san,” Hide smiled, “you just helped me find myself,” he shrugged. 

It was odd, being this open again, eyes on the sunflower sat on the windowsill, curling toward the light. Head too heavy for its stalk, the weight of its darkness crippling it. 

“You remind me of what I’ve reclaimed,” Hide smiled again, wider and fuller. 

Sasaki looked at him then, allowed him the pleasure of watching that soft smile spread across the other’s gentle face, watched it light up those subdued eyes. 

“Did you finish that assignment?” Sasaki asked, teeth glinting in the morning light and he laughed as Hide coughed into his orange juice.


	22. Chapter 22

The sun was bright and painted streaks across the hard wood floor of Sasaki’s apartment and their bodies that were limb locked on the floor, running his fingers through Sasaki’s two toned hair. Hide sighed, finally feeling grounded. Even when he wasn’t with the other, the dreams of the past, of a past life, didn’t haunt him any longer. 

He supposed that all that was his fault all along, he’d been desperately clinging to something that was no longer his. He didn’t belong there anymore, didn’t belong to Kaneki anymore. 

Hide was in a different place with someone that was as good for him as he was for the other. Sasaki never clung to him, neither had Kaneki, but Sasaki held onto him in that gentle way the other did everything else. This time, in this world, they were in the right places in their life to meet each other, maybe it was fate. How cruel a thought was that?

Running his thumb over Sasaki’s cheek, pressing a kiss to the other’s forehead. He felt as though he was full of light when he looked at Sasaki, eyes so focused that it felt like everything revolved around him. 

“Are you mine now, Hide-kun?” Sasaki smiled, “all mine?”

“I never knew you were so possessive or this jealous,” Hide snickered.

“It’s what you’ve done to me and you should take responsibility for it,” Sasaki said, fingers playing with the tufts of hair at the nape of Hide’s neck. 

“Yes, I’m yours,” Hide said, brushing his nose against Sasaki’s. And Sasaki was his as well as this world. He’d finally come home.


End file.
